Selfrealization and enlightenment is love-bliss

(2010)

Question: Let me tell you about an experience. My whole reality changed, or I could say reality got a plus to it. A kind of energy was emanating from my pure being. Everybody got centred on me and I saw the Self in their eyes. What do I mean with god-realization? Well first it felt like my "I" burnt out completely. This lasted for 2 months and was very painful. When I couldn't bear the pain anymore I visited a psychologist. I told him I feel that I am losing all my memories, my name and everything. To be honest I thought I would end up as a vegetable. The psychologist told me that I was loosing my ego not my memories and that it was a pre-psychotic state. It was like a nirvikalpa samadhi in a fluid and dynamic way where my worldly awareness remained. When all pain vanished and I was completely relaxed, a vision (a golden light without form) appeared in my mind in a flash. It was like a picture but first I was so blissed and relaxed that I couldn't comprehend it but later I remembered it. After the vision something flooded me and I cried: "I am God" .God realized God in me!

Jan: This sounds like an authentic experience, not something "pre-psychotic". I recognize much of what you are saying. After one nirvikalpa samadhi, I was so empty of ego I could not even remember "my" own name and memories were gone. This lasted until next morning -- meanwhile my guru helped me get some identity back. You don't become like a vegetable, you are totally free, that's all. But is it not a practical state, it is good to preserve some ego to function in the world; the art is to not be identified with that remaining bit of ego.

When one realizes the divine, one has to be very humble about it. True, there is oneness, but if there is a crying out of "I am god" that is the ego crying out and the oneness is not complete. When you are one with God, there is no one to say he is one with God. Also it is not "God realizing god in me"; God is already perfectly and totally Self-realized, that is the nature of God. God does not suddenly realize God in you, God already is in full realization and this full realization may partly dawn on you too, as in the experience you are describing. It will appear as if something greater than you comes to realise itself in and as you, but in reality it is the Self that reveals its nature to you. This revelation is the grace of the Divine Mother Shakti. In the heat of the moment, the mind will grab onto what it can, and that is to understand what is happening as the grace of God. Which it is, but it is also freedom from God and oneness with the Self. It is not "God realizing God", it is the Self ceasing to act as if ignorant, by the grace of the Divine Mother Shakti.

It sounds like you have had an aroused kundalini. The "kind of energy emanating from your pure being" is Shakti: The Divine Mother as the energy of the pure being. This radiates from one when one has been blessed by Mother with an active kundalini-shakti. Others will feel it and one will be able to see Shakti in others eyes. The recognition will be experienced as recognition of the divine in other, which it to some degree is, since it is the Divine Mother at play. One will also see everything as emptiness and see the pure being in others as void.

After such experiences, or periods, one usually enters a phase of painful emptiness as the Shakti recedes and there is only void left. The remedy to this is devotion to Shakti and this is expressed in meditation on her presence in you as Kundalini. The meditations under How to Meditate are designed for this and I recommend you try them for a period of time and let me know how it works out.

When the Divine first breaks into ones awareness it usually happens with a bang. This contrasts starkly with the void of merging with pure being. It is important not to value one realization higher than the other. God-realization may begin before one is Self-realized or it may begin after. Spiritual evolution is not a set linear thing. Glimpses of God-realization before one is Self-realized does not mean one is closer to basic Self-realization than one who has never had a glimpse of the divine. So be humble.

Question: I have heard of sahaja samadhi what do you know about it?

Jan: Sahaja samadhi is a natural and spontaneous state of samadhi. It is Self-realization. It is permanent and stable

Question: What is the difference between nirvikalpa and sahaja samadhi?

Jan: Nirvikalpa samadhi is temporary. Here you are absorbed completely in the void of pure being and become unconscious. Ego and sense of self recede totally. Savikalpa samadhi is also temporary; it is conscious samadhi where ego remains functional. In sahaja samadhi, ego remains functional, but there is absolutely no identification with it at all. You are free. You are one with the Self and nothing can disturb this, because the mechanism of separation, the I AM-ness, has gone away.

Question: Is it true that the process which begins with god-realization is irreversible?

Jan: Yes, what has begun with the grace of God will come to fruition some day. If God has cast his/her glance on you, you are in his/her grace and he/she will not let you go. I guess what you have experienced is the Divine Mother acting upon you, so let's say "she". Mother's grace is infallible. If you receive it, it will ripen no matter what you do. You can slow it down or speed it up but it will manifest in you without fail.

Question: In my opinion one doesn't need to get rid of the ego, more it must be illuminated, do you agree?

Jan: The ego does not get illuminated more and more, that is a misconception promoted by New Age and Anthroposophy. The truth is you become less and less identified with ego. Ego does not need to go away; you just realize more and more it is not you. However, with time and sahaja samadhi it does go more and more away, but I doubt it vanishes altogether, for then you would not even know your name nor have memories. I have been in this completely ego-less and memory-less state and it is a great freedom, but not very practical. It is better to see the ego as Shakti at play, as the grace of Mother, then living with it will be a life of bliss. This, by the way, is our version of sahaja samadhi. There is also a sahaja samadhi devoid of bliss which the Advaita Vedantins reach. Ours is more fun, though, since it is a huge love affair with the Divine Mother and it also encompasses the void of the Vedantists. In both cases one has ridden oneself of identifications altogether and also got rid of the I AM-ness, the seed of ignorance, but to the Vedantist the ego/mind is just empty illusion, to us the ego/mind is dynamic Shakti, which is love-bliss.

Question: isn't the end goal I AM THAT?

Jan: I AM THAT is a sad ending to a beautiful journey. It should end with love-bliss. I AM THAT is void, pure and simple. Our goal is to enliven the void as well as the relative with the grace of the Divine Mother and indeed to merge with that grace.

Question. What is devotion and what place does it have?

Jan: Devotion comes in two varieties: bhakti and parabhakti. Bhakti is a mood and parabhakti is a natural state of enlightenment.

Question: What is parabhakti like?

Jan: You are on fire with love of the divine, of God, of Shakti, of the divine mother. The body and mind become a vibrating field of what I call lovebliss, and this is hot and soft and sweet at the same time. It sucks you into love, yet there is nothing left to suck in because you are one. It is totally paradoxical. Every breath you take is a song of love for the divine mother. You see the divine mother in everything around you and this melts your heart. It is total surrender to shakti. Shakti burns you up and the fusion of Shakti and love ensures that those who sit with you become transformed and their Shakti awakens also. When this happens, you realize again and again that they and you are one in love and surrender. You do not pray anymore, because mother is showering her grace on you every moment. You are afire with her grace and this fire is contagious. You are drunk on love. Need I go on?

Question: No, this is fine. What place does parabhakti have in ones sadhana?

Jan: When you are ripe, it will come by itself. Then you will know. To get it you should get shakti going and surrender to Shakti.